And one by one we danced and as we danced we changed our stories, and our sister’s stories, our mother’s stories, and our grandmother’s stories, and the tale as old as time took on new threads and stitches; the song taking on a different tune as we whirled and twirled, weaving new directions and devotions with every step.
What were once agonizing howls transformed into guttural screams of joy; our ancestor’s overgrown, abandoned garden of sorrows becoming the rich soil our hearts are firmly rooted in, and from where our voices grow – strong, clear and renewed. No longer silenced, but loud and uninhibited. No longer choking on unspoken, stifled suffering. Now a vibrant channel of unrestricted freedom unhindered by fear to be seen and heard.
Peeking at the past between notes, but not anchoring there, the flow of the dance moving us toward changing tides and unknown horizons. Tender glances at old familiar wounds, now glimpsed with new light as each rotation of the dance opens our hearts to newness, to joy, to possibility. The forgotten, long-buried and scarred over traumas of our sisters, mothers, grandmothers becoming healed and metamorphosed through the alchemy of the dance, of our courage, our voices, of our sweet surrender.
Those lost pieces brought home and are seen, loved and cared for – we are whole – rooted in our own power. The rusted, heavy chains of the past become glimmering, proudly displayed jewelry of the present. The heartbreaks of our ancestors integrated and transformed; old knowledge shines with new light.
The threads of the tapestry woven anew.
Ancestral Alchemy © Andrea Sugar 2018
Image artist unknown – please message if you do know.
Ecstatic joy masked behind layers of suffering.
We have to slowly, carefully peel back the layers, unwrapping our wounds with the carefulness of a precious gift.
Are your wounds what shackle you or what free you?
Freedom Within © Andrea Sugar 2018
Old wounds bubbling up, seeking acknowledgement; light reaching the shadows providing new perspectives. Sweetness in searching the tender parts and applying the salve of compassion and the balm of release.
Shadow Salve © Andrea Sugar 2018
I feel the stardust in my bones. I revel in the magic of our very being – made from the vastness of the cosmos and the depths of the earth.
The sweetness of divine connection like
a thousand points of light
in each and every cell.
The grace of gratitude moves through, and fills, every part of me.
My heart is open, crackling with the electric warmth of unconditional love pumping through every vein with each pulse.
It’s everything and nothing all at once.
The ecstasy of unconditional contentedness found in a single point of focus; the timelessness of the pause in the sacred space between breaths.
This is home.
Grace of Gratitude © Andrea Sugar 2018
This day is the hardest day and I suspect it always will be.
3 years ago today I pulled my mother off of life support. 3 years ago today my mother died.
It hurts so much. My heart aches in ways I cannot describe.
This year hurts more than the others.
I am grateful in some ways because I know it’s because the rest of my life finally isn’t in complete and utter crisis. This year I am healthy enough to feel everything this deeply.
How magnificat the brain is that it really does give us what we can handle even if it might not feel like it.
I hate that I had to decide whether or not my mother lived or died. That is not to say I doubt my decision in any way – I don’t. It was the most merciful choice I could make. While knowing that gives me a solid place to stand, it doesn’t hurt any less. I find myself crying out of nowhere, uncontrollably, because something touches my wound unexpectedly.
And for the first time, I am just letting the tears come as they will. I miss my mom so much. I miss my dad so much.
Having no familial foundation, regardless of how unstable the structure might have been, is so painful.
It is so hard.
I am grateful though to have learned how to be rooted in myself, to have found the way home to myself. That is the one of the greatest gifts I received from this. The other is the gift of presence.
I have never been more alive.
I have learned to find the beauty in each moment, to savor the sweetness that comes with a broken heart….the grace of cracking open and allowing it all. So amidst the tears and the almost unbearable pain is the pulsing of life. The unlimited freedom of just simply being. For this I am grateful.
I miss you every day, mommy, I love you always.
The Hardest Day © Andrea Sugar 2018
Words roll out so easily, but once released they can be cemented in the ether forever.
Perhaps forgiven, but not forgotten.
Each word a stinging slap. The kind that leaves a red, lingering welt across my soul; bruised by those tiny words you claim insignificant.
Your words don’t matter?
Because I hold them dear as tiny fragments of your heart and soul, now intermingled with mine. I will serve them back to you softly, wrapped in love and compassion rather than wound you with my own tiny daggers.
How do I know which words to trust?
If your words emblazoned with venom and anger are meaningless, what are the ones dripping and engorged with love and sweetness?
I know the depths of your roots and the heartiness of their stalk. I know that every landscape needs weeding from time to time to flourish.
Growth blooms from what once seemed impenetrable and barren, there is a softening.
Sow Your Words Well…(Word Garden) © Andrea Sugar 2018