Today…….today is always a hard day. It’s been 5 years since I had to make the choice to remove my mother from life support and 5 years since she left this realm. I miss her every day. I miss her in ways I could have never imagined. As I sit and let the tears stream down my face, they are unstoppable – and they fall for so many reasons – for the way my heart aches, for all the lessons I learned after her death, for the peace that came with forgiving my mother, and largely my tears fall for how big my heart has grown, and continues to grow. Amidst all the heartache and heartbreak, I have been blessed with an ever growing capacity for love, for life and for vulnerability. You see, today doesn’t just mark the anniversary of my mother’s death, but also the anniversary of a time when my entire life burned down around me; I had to pull her off life support, I left my husband, I lost friends, my father died a few short months later, I lost the remaining immediate biological family that I had – my siblings – just gone from my life – in a lot of ways it felt like I just lost everything. I learned what it was like to really be alone. I also learned who was really there for me and I am enterally grateful for those people. I learned who I am, who I want to be, and was reminded of how strong I am because of the softness of my heart – because of my willingness to let it break over and over again, because of my refusal to let it close up and become hard and cold. My heart is my greatest strength. So today, while I let the tears fall it’s with a mixture of sadness, but also awe – I am in awe of this exceptionally beautiful life. I am grateful to have found that the depths of my grief are directly linked to my immense capacity to know joy and to have a heart that is brave enough to know and hold it all. So yes, my heart aches so much, but oh how it rises every time it falls with the same force of nature, echoing the waves in their ability to be both soft and powerful all at once. So I give thanks for a heart like the ocean – deep, vast, soft and strong. So as I move through the day I will let my heart ache, but I will also be open to receiving joy however it may come. These complex feelings I hold hurt so much, but they also remind me just how alive I am. I miss you Mommy, I love you. I am so grateful for your gift of this precious life. ❤
P.S…..for once I didn’t really proofread, I just posted because sometimes I get all hemmed up on perfection and I’m working on easing up on that a bit.